


looking for the rush that makes us feel alive

by humanluke



Series: 5sos prompts [18]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutually Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:40:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29448687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanluke/pseuds/humanluke
Summary: luke has a habit of taking what he wants.
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings
Series: 5sos prompts [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019475
Kudos: 1





	looking for the rush that makes us feel alive

“I’m only important when you need something from me.” The words are echoing against the walls of the hotel room as they fall off of Michael’s tongue. Luke looks at him a little incredulously, half asleep in his post coital bliss. The words come out of nowhere - they’d been lying there for almost an hour now when the words finally fall from his lips.

“What?” Luke asks, rolling over to face Michael. They’ve been doing this for a while -- fooling around, keeping each other company. Just sex, they’d agreed. Well, Luke had proposed it all. Michael just nodded, going with the motions. Just wanting to feel something.

“I’m only important when you need something from me,” he repeats himself, his fingers sliding through messy blond locks. “When you need to get off, when you need help with a song, when you need someone to make sure that you get home safe when you’re drunk off your ass… that’s the only time I mean anything to you. Not the in between moments. Just then.”

Luke is awake now as Michael rambles on, sitting up in bed a little bit. The sheets pool around his bare waist, looking over at Michael with a tilted head. He’s still high off the show, tipsy from the shots he did after, pliant from being fucked into the mattress. He wasn’t prepared for this kind of a sobering discussion. But here Michael was, sharing his thoughts with him. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes, sighing a little bit.

“You know that isn’t true,” he says, looking over at him. “Just because we’re doing this, because we’re having some fun, doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re important, Mikey.”

“Not important enough to want to be with me,” he mutters under his breath. He sighs and turns over, and Luke can feel the panic settling over him. This isn’t what they’d settled on, this isn’t what they agreed on. Was it? Feelings weren’t supposed to be in the equation. But here they were, and Michael was having them, having feelings and Luke could feel his heart in his throat as he looks him over.

“That’s not… that’s not how things are supposed to be for us,” he stammers, fingers sliding through his fingers through his curls. “There’s not supposed to be things like that, Michael, that’s what we agreed on.” His heart is racing as Michael looks at him over his shoulder. His face is rid of all emotion, and he can tell he’s concealing all the feelings that he’s having. That makes Luke feel even worse about this, about what was happening between the two of them.

“That’s what you agreed on, Luke,” Michael says stiffly. “You just pulled me along for the ride.” Luke feels like he’s having a panic attack -- no, he was having a panic attack. It had been a long time since he’d felt like this. This was why he wanted casual; he’d been hurt before and he didn’t want that kind of feeling again.

“No, you… we… we promised…” he’s grasping at straws for words, unable to string together a coherent sentence between breaths. Michael can sense something’s off, that it isn’t just Luke being Luke, that there was something more going on here. “Fuck…”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Michael says. His voice has moved back to soothing, to calming, any rigid edges smoothed over by the moment. He knows now isn’t the time, that this discussion can wait. His hand slides over his back, drawing small circles against the soft skin there. “Just breathe with me, okay?” He looks at Luke, breathing with him, because he knows how this feels. How it feels to be shoved into a box that he doesn’t want to be shoved into and to have to accept it all at once. He’s no stranger to moments like this one.

Luke’s eyes fall on Michael’s greens, soft and sad as he breathes along with him. Luke wonders where the miscommunication happened, where the lines blurred for them. How Michael had managed to fall in love with him, someone who was so irrevocably unable to be loved. He let out a small laugh amongst the panic, hands rubbing at his eyes as he starts to calm down.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I’m sorry, I did this to you, and I hurt you, and I’m so fucking sorry…”

“Hey, Luke, it’s okay,” he says with a shake of his head. “We’re okay. This is okay. I can do this with you.” He can see the way Michael falters with those words, how his heart breaks a little saying it. But it’s what Luke wants to hear, and Luke is blinded by what he wants and nothing else. He’s always been selfish that way. He just offers him a soft smile, pressing his face into Michael’s neck.

“Okay,” he says softly, muffled by his skin. And he knows that’s not what Michael wants, but this isn’t about Michael anymore. It never was.

“Okay,” Michael replies, and his fingers are tangled into Luke’s curls calmingly. He lets him sit like that until Luke finally calmed down, laying down with him once he was on the verge of sleep.

All Luke could think about was this:

Michael was always right. He was only important when Luke needed something from him. And to Luke, that was all that mattered. And to Michael, he just wanted to be needed, to be wanted by Luke. Even if it was just temporary. So the vicious cycle continues.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://cakelftv.tumblr.com)!


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